Captain Dusis
by oONekomataOo
Summary: Parody of the old cartoon Captain Planet, but with the cast of Dragon Knights and an underpaid, chainsmoking chimpanzee. Prior knowledge of Captain Planet not necessary.
1. Chapter 1

**CAPTAIN DUSIS**

By: oONekomataOo

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything except this glitter pencil I found on the ground. Ooh, shiny…

**Warnings:** uh…a little shonen-ai later, maybe. And OOCness. Mwa ha ha!

Kyrin/Muse #1: Yet another sleep-deprived, crack-induced brainchild of an already insane cat…

Neko: Quiet you. This just came to me during Algebra ages ago when I was supposed to be paying attention or something. Whatever. Who the hell pays attention to math lectures anyway?

Nyah. So this'll be a spoof on an old cartoon by the name of Captain Planet. Anyone remember it? Don't worry, I barely do either. I guess you can call this chapter a prolog of sorts—it just contains the main theme song of the parody. Naturally, I took a few creative liberties with the original words. Enjoy!

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**Prolog: The Theme to Captain Dusis**

(Running on some random grassy field in the middle of some valley scene that looks as if it was ripped out of _The Sound of Music_, are five as of yet unidentified figures…)

Thatz: Earth! _(raises his fist causing rocks, dirt, and the such to blast out of his ring)_

Gil: Fire! _(similar gesture, only flames of doom shoot out of this hottie's ring)_

Cesia: W, Wind! _(trips on her skirt, but manages to hold up her bejeweled hand hitting the sky with a strong breeze)_

Rune: Water! _(also lifts his fist into the air, a whirlpool of water rushing out of his ring)_

Bierrez: …Heart. _(reluctantly raises his ring to allow a very shojo-ish bubbly beam of light to escape it)_

(As all five of these elements combine with each other in the sky, a vague figure appears within the sphere of energy)

Rath: _(cheap heroic voice)_ By your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN DUSIS!

All: Go Dusis!

Crappy Singer Voice-Over: Captain Dusis, he's a hero!

(Shot of Rath flying around in his…er, _gallant_ leotard)

Crappy Singer Voice-Over: Gonna take the Demons down to zero!

(Rath kicks Fedelta and laughs)

Crappy Singer Voice-Over: He's a Power, _magnified_, and he's fighting on the Dragon's siiiiiiiide!

(Shot of Rath desperately trying to pull off the Dragon crest on his…uniform)

Nadil: _(shaking his fist in the midst of a destroyed castle)_ You'll pay for this, Captain Dusis!

Thatz, Gil, Rune, Bierrez, and Cesia: _(singing with varying degrees of success)_ We're the Dragonteers, you can be one too! 'Cause saving our kingdom is the thing to do!

(They hand out T-shirts with the Dragon crest to random people in the Draqueen marketplace. One little boy flips them off, so Bierrez tackles him, beats the crap out of him, and forces the shirt on him. Pedro, the underpaid chimpanzee sidekick, then jumps on his head and lights one up.)

Dragonteers: Murdering and Looting, is not the way!

Thatz: Wait--What? _(Rune decks him with a folding fan)_ Hey! Owww…

Dragonteers: Here's what Captain Dusis has to say!

(Final shot of Rath rising into the air while his logo appears behind him)

Rath: The Power is MINE! _(hit with a rock)_ Ow! Okay, fine! "YOURS!" Happy?

(Cheesy theme music ends and the CAPTAIN DUSIS title fades to black)

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Neko: I _think_ that's generally how it originally went, but y'know, _without_ cute little bishis running around with magical rings of doom. Yeah…that's probably why Captain Planet was cancelled. Gotta have those bishounen.

Craps, that was hard to write without asterisks! Sorry if you had trouble reading it. The rest of the chapters with the actual story will be in standard third person POV and an actual decent length.

Thanks for reading!


	2. Spandex & Moodrings

**CAPTAIN DUSIS**

By: oONekomataOo

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything

**Warnings:** uh…a little shonen-ai later, maybe. And OOCness. Mwa ha ha!

Neko: I'll be the first person to admit that my memory sucks, so I did some research on the Captain Planet series. 20 minutes on Wikipedia later, I found a ton of data to totally corrupt. After I got off the floor from laughing so hard. Some encyclopedia authors _really_ like to read into things a bit too much…XD

-------**Response to Reviewers**-------

Neko: Holy flaming possums, people actually reviewed this thing! Whoa…

**xxDKGurlxx** – I laughed my ass off just writing this stupid thing! I knew from the start Rath would have to play Captain Dusis. You'll get a better description of his lovely leotard in this chappie.

**Hiranieas** – I'm glad you liked it! I've got a couple other chapters already sketched out, so I hope to continue with this freakshow of a fic.

**Azure-chan** – Thanks for the double review! A "bishi" (or the plural "bishis") is just another way of saying "bishounen" (Jap. "Pretty-boy"). Although it's more 'Japanglish' than anything. I tend to sprinkle a few foreign languages in my writing, so from now on I'll translate them either right after I use them or at the bottom of the fic. Sorry for the confusion!

**Dragon of Eternal** – Alright! Somebody else remembers Captain Planet! Ha ha, I think that "Hokey" was being kind, D.O.E. And I used 'Rezzy cause I wanted to have somebody with an unrequited love interest within the Dragonteers, like the original Planeteers. Well, that and I like Bierrez.

**Keiko** – You remember the craziness that was Captain Planet too? Awesome!

**Sango The Demon Exterminator** – Thanks! You okay from that fall? I've done that too.

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**Spandex and Moodrings: Part I**

It was a typical day in the crowded marketplace of Chantel: fruit vendors selling freshly plucked apples, merchants selling beautifully spun silk shirts and apparel, blacksmiths pounding away on red hot iron weapons, scraggly-faced farmers prepping their prized poultry for the day's latest cockfight bloodbath…Yep. A typical day for the residents of Chantel.

Renowned for its beauty at towards the heart of the Dragoon continent, Chantel enjoyed pleasantly warm summers and mild winters. Always a popular vacation spot, Chantel came to life in the springtime when a wide assortment of flora bloomed all over the town. From its outskirts to innermost cobbled alleyways, violets, daisies, and azaleas sprung up to flood the town in color. Chantel also had one more claim to fame—liquor.

Yes, beneath its flowery streets filled with the ever-smiling Happy Folk, Chantel ran one of the largest underground brewing systems in Dusis. Nearly five dozen metallic vats of alcohol lined the town's lower levels, so needless to say their drunks never went thirsty. Word had spread quickly about Chantel's newest enterprise, reaching even Dusis' duo of planet deities on the elusive Hope Island.

"I can't believe we actually have to do this…" came an annoyed voice from a group of five brightly colored teeny-bopper heroes. "Stupid mission, stupid pink shirt, stupid ring-thingy, stupid lame excuse for a power, stupid monkey sidekick, stupid…"

However nobody really paid attention to what poor, disgruntled Bierrez was saying. By now they were all used to the Heart-wielding Dragonteer's rants. Well, nobody except for Pedro.

"Ooouuuaaah! Ah! Ah! OuuuouuAHHH!" snarled the enraged chimp. Pedro was a proud chimpanzee for crissakes, not some inferior little monkey subspecies. He immediately began pounding on Bierrez's from his convenient location on the angry dragon's shoulder to remind him that.

"OWW!" cried Bierrez "#$&#$# MONKEY!"

As the two broke into yet another argument, Rune, the Water Dragonteer, turned to face his other companions.

"It's close. I can sense _Evil_ nearby," he stated. "What do you guys—Hey, are you listening to me?"

Wind-wielding Cesia was too busy scoping out potential boy-toys in the crowds to be paying any attention to where she was walking, much less what her teammates were saying. Gil the Fire master was walking a little ways behind the group as if he was a part of the team, yet not connecting with them somehow. A permanent cloud of angst and sorrow drifted above his head. He was currently in the middle of reminiscing about his torturous childhood filled with poverty, abusive parents, wicked chipmunks, and far too much catnip. Only the fifth Dragonteer, glutton and Earth elemental extraordinaire, Thatz responded.

"Eh? Did you say something?" he asked, biting into an apple. "I wasn't really listening."

Rune smacked his forehead and wondered how the hell he got stuck with these freaks to save the world.

"In case you've forgotten, we were sent here by the Great Kai-stern on an important mission."

"Going to Chantel, beating up bad guys, and bringing back several cases of Lefury is hardly a 'mission,' Rune."

Just before Rune could bludgeon Thatz's brain for insulting everything from their honor as Dragonteers to their under-the-influence mission giver, Cesia let out a shout. After running into a wooden pole that is.

"Omigawd! Did you guys _see_ that!" squealed the obviously flustered Cesia.

"Er…see what?" Thatz asked, looking around.

"An evil-doer?" offered Rune.

"What? NO! That uber-hot guy over there!" pointed the Wind master. "He was _totally_ checking me out!" she beamed.

"You sure? Last time that happened, the dude turned out to be eyeing Rune-chi," grinned the brunette.

"THATZ!" erupted two very angry voices, as their owners simultaneously smacked him upside his pretty little head.

"I…Itai…" Thatz managed to utter from the ground.

"As I was saying," glared Cesia. "He reminds me of the time I got my Wind ring here…" she cooed, stroking the silver gem lovingly.

Without warning, the background started to get hazy. People and buildings seemed to spiral together before becoming lost in a purplish fog. As the boys quickly glanced around in uncertainty, they noticed a large beam of light fall upon Cesia. The shock quickly set in, but before they could escape, they too were sucked into violet haze… The flashback sequence had already begun.

------Flashback: Cesia

A young girl with dark, wavy hair was walking across a beautiful field filled with dark red blooms. She brushed the hair out of her eyes, as she enjoyed the cool breeze. Once she had allowed the peaceful wind to brush against her features a little longer, Cesia continued on her way.

Moments later, the girl arrived at her secret place. Deep within the hilly landscape of Misty Valley, stood a lone oak tree. Perched underneath the giant oak, Cesia playfully tugged at the ribbons binding her hair into long spiraling braids of ebony drifting behind her in the breeze. This girl really likes her wind, huh?

High above her in the mighty oaks branches, Cesia could hear her bird friends singing away. A smile tugged the future Dragonteer's lips as she decided to join them in song…

"Jeeesus take the WHEEEEEEEEEL, take it from my HAAAAAANDS, 'cause I can't do this OOOOON MY OOOOWN!"

The birds promptly flew away in fear.

"Hey!" yelled Cesia as she spat out a curse under her breath. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out some sandwich bags filled with birdseed. Birdseed that Cesia had laced with a little LSD, y'know just to give it a little kick. "I brought you guys a snaaaack…" the temptress beamed.

The feather-brained flock immediately screeched to a halt, turned around, and dive-bombed out of the sky towards their briber.

"Eeek!" shrieked Cesia, throwing the illegal seed away from her.

The birds immediately tore the bags to shreds, squaking with glee amongst themselves in a particularly disturbing manner. Soon after the LSD-ridden birdseed had been devoured by the aviary addicts, they could feel the buzz humming throughout their tiny bodies. They wobbled and staggered about, lost in their birdie hallucinations of gold plated birdfeeders, boxes of supped-up seed, a catless world, and Big Bird.

"Tee-hee! You guys only listen to me sing after I give you your Special Seed!"

Luckily, fate intervened before the birds were forced to listen to another ear-splitting rendition of _Jesus Take the Wheel_. One brave little sparrow hopped over to Cesia, and painfully extended its broken wing towards her, hoping that his dealer, er, _friend_ could help.

"Aww, did da poo wittle birdie get a wittle boo boo?" Cesia cooed.

The injured sparrow only clucked in confusion.

"Don't worry! I'll fix ya!"

And with that, Cesia painfully wrenched the poor bird's broken wing behind its back and untied a ribbon from her hair, completely ignoring its cries of protest as it struggle to escape the clutches of the insane woman. Not one to let a little thing like malpractice stop her, Cesia tightly fastened a pink ribbon to the sparrow's broken wing. Twirling the excess strands into a bow with flourish, she smiled.

"There you go! All better!"

The tiny sparrow quickly hobbled off in pain, chirping curses as it went. Taking it as a thank you, Cesia smiled again happily. As she looked down however, she noticed a beautiful silver ring glimmering in the sunlight. She also noticed a pigeon eying it.

"MINE!" she screamed, making a dive for it.

However the pigeon had the same idea, and a fight ensued. Although the valiant pigeon pecked, bit, and clawed with all its strength, it proved to be no match for the much larger Cesia. The girl grabbed the ring from its beak, knocked the bird to the ground, and kicked it before it could swoop around her head and get stuck again.

"Ha! Ha! I win!" cried Cesia as the purplish mist reemerged from the background, returning everything to its normal state.

-------------End of Flashback

"And that's how I got my Wind ring," stated Cesia with pride. "Bloody bird never stood a chance."

"Uh…I think that's animal abuse," said Rune.

"Nah, pigeons are practically demons so they don't count," Thatz answered. "But there's one thing I _would_ like to know, Cesia…"

"Hmm?"

"What the hell does that have to do with a hot guy?"

"Psh. C'mon Thatz!" laughed the wind mistress "Just look at the way he carries his prized warrior!" she grinned, pointing to a particularly hairy cockfighter owner as he dragged along his chicken by the neck. Both appeared to have flecks of blood covering them as well. "That chicken kinda reminds me of that one evil pigeon…"

Cesia drooled. The men immediately turned several shades of green.

"That…That's just wrong…" Thatz managed to choke out.

Rune was only able to nod in agreement while Cesia fumed.

"It is NOT!" she yelled. "Who cares what you two morons think anyway, right Bierrez!"

When no answer came, the group turned around to find Bierrez on the ground unconscious. Above his scratched up face was Pedro hopping about in a victory dance of some kind. Apparently, Pedro had managed to get the upper hand during Cesia's flashback, by biting Bierrez's nose while he was intently listening to her. Once he was done, Pedro rested on the Dragonteer of Heart's back, pulled out a carton of cigs from his tattered chimpy vest, and lit up with the lighter he kept safely tucked away in his hat. Taking a few drags, Pedro gave a happy little primate sigh before continuing.

"…Right. So how'd you get _your_ ring, Thatz-chan?" Cesia asked, quickly changing the subject.

"Well…" started Thatz, as the familiar spotlight and fog appeared once more.

---------Flashback: Thatz

A young boy was passing through a desert on the edge of Lya, a small village located in the Kuulta kingdom, just off the coast of Dragoon. Using the darkness as his cover, the stealthy brunette made his way to a group of six mud and straw huts. The pale moonlight outlined the sly grin fixed on his face and enhanced the glimmer in his emerald eyes. A final glance for any guards or civilians, and Thatz closed in on the nearest hut.

"No security?" Thatz murmured to himself. "I am going to rob these people _blind_."

The crafty thief crouched beneath the window that had been cut into the side of the small hovel and listened for voices inside. No sound at all. Carefully peeking into the window showed no signs of life either. As there wasn't any glass to covering the gap in the wall, Thatz quickly jumped through the windowpane. The boy grinned as he landed without a sound.

'_Too easy_…' thought Thatz.

He pulled out his Lootin' Sack and went to work on the first unlocked chest.

"Junk, junk, bills, hammer, teddy bear, legal rights to _Dragon Knights_, junk, junk," listed the thief as he tossed the items over his shoulder. "Junk, junk, large conspicuous rodent, junk, DNAngel vol. 8, eye of newt, junk, junk…Ooh, Yams!"

He pocketed the treat for later and moved onto a nearby jar filled with a strange, orange liquid. Curious, Thatz stuck his finger in for a taste. Bringing it up to his nose first, he decided that it smelled normal enough, and stuck his finger in his mouth. Two seconds later he felt his tastebuds explode.

"Whoa…" gasped the wide-eyed Thatz "I will _definitely_ not be stealing this stuff!"

The future Dragonteer wisely made his way away from the pot of overly sugar-nated orange beverage and towards the chest of drawers. Opening them quietly, the thief pulled apart the contents of each drawer. A trashy array of the strangest clothes he had ever seen awaited Thatz. Canary yellows clashed with neon pinks on fur coats, bright green and orange polka-dots met deep red and blue plaids on a rather lacy men's shirt, several form-fitting tee-shirts that had been dyed so many colors, that they appeared to be a grimy brown…

"Ugh, who would _wear_ this stuff?" muttered a disgusted Thatz while inspecting a tag closer "'Made in China'… Where the hell's _China_!"

He grabbed some of the least offensive garments and stuffed it into the sack in hopes of selling it off to some drag queen on the streets. Sighing in annoyance, he shut the last drawer of the bureau that had 'Nadil' engraved in fancy letters. This hut proved to be a dud, so our daring thief headed over to the next murky looking hut.

This hut yielded similar results, although not as psychologically scarring as the first hut's questionable clothing. Two hovels later, Thatz was about ready to leave.

"What's going on? I know I heard that there was supposed to be some real treasure out here!" growled the brown-haired bishounen. "There's not even any sign of _life_ out here!"

Thatz angrily kicked a stone on his way to the last two huts. Luck finally seemed to be on his side as he found five bucks, some gum, and a bouncy ball. Evil grin back in place, Thatz prepared to go to the last hut, when a noise startled him.

"Wark."

Thatz looked around.

"Wark."

'_The_ _hell?_" he thought.

"Wark. Wark."

Then he saw it—a baby blue penquin. Thatz came over to see it better.

"Wark."

Thatz blinked.

"Eh, sure, why not?" he shrugged as he carefully stuffed the penguin inside his Lootin' Sack.

Outside again, Thatz started over to the final hut. He had long since given up sneaking around after not seeing a soul anywhere on or near the settlement. Thatz figured some giant scorpion had probably done them in. Probably better that way too, those clothes back in the first little hut were glaring enough to cause blindness. Or ugly enough to make people want to gouge out their own eyes if it meant not having to see them anymore.

Once inside the last hut, Thatz's jaw went slack and his eyes started to glitter. There, placed on top of a ceremonial alter was a beautiful, burgundy staff. Thatz wasted no time racing over to it. He traced his trembling fingertips over the intricate designs that flawlessly wrapped themselves around the base of the staff. Looking it over, his eyes finally rested upon the gorgeous jade gems imbedded into the top of the ornate staff. Each one would be worth about the price of a large village. Insert Homer Simpson style drooling here.

"Sweeeeeeet…"

Visions of castles, riches, and banquets for every meal danced around Thatz's head while he wrapped up his newfound treasure with care. Just as the chibi-dragons has started blowing their little horns announcing the arrival of Thatz the King of Thieves in his mind, he caught a glimpse of the rising sun in the distance.

"And now the Great Thatz makes his escape!" the brunette smirked as he dashed out the doorway.

Typically, Thatz likes to take things easy, but he can also get swept up in the moment just like others; especially when food or treasure was involved. This was one of those times.

"I…_huff, huff_,…can't believe I…_weeze_…ran…_cough, cough_,…twelve whole miles…!" stuttered the exhausted thief.

Completely exhausted, Thatz had collapsed under a palm tree on a cliff overlooking Lya. He opened his canteen and greedily drank the water.

'_It was worth it though,'_ thought the thief as he unwrapped the staff that was about to make him a millionaire. '_This thing is **pimp**._'

"Wark," came a muffled voice from within Thatz's Lootin' Sack.

Figuring that the strangely colored penguin probably wanted some air, Thatz reached into the Lootin' Sack and pulled it out.

"There ya go, little guy," said the thief. "Now you can get some fresh…what are you doing?"

The blue penguin chirped and started to waddle off near the edge of the rocky cliff. Next, it turned its head slowly to face its kidnapper, eyes glowing red.

"Um…"

"WARK!"

And with that, the bird vanished into a sphere of golden light. Thatz stood speechless as a figure emerged from the glow. A short, aging man in grass skirt and painted symbols covering his tan body now stood before him.

"Ooonga Boonga Slabu SHLET!" screeched the Voodoo dude

"HOLY SHIT!" screamed the shocked brunette. "I've angered the Penguin King!"

Turning away from the horrific sight, Thatz quickly grabbed his prized staff and took off like a bat outta hell.

Unfortunately for our hero, the magic munchkin foresaw this, whipped out his enchanted ketchup bottle, and flew after Thatz. Equally unfortunate was the fact that the little magician crashed right into the back of Thatz's head, splurting ketchup everywhere and causing the future Dragonteer to drop the staff…snapping it in two.

From the ground, Thatz looked up in horror at the tragic event that now seemed to be happening in slow motion.

"Noooooooooooooo!" Thatz cried as he stretched out an arm in vain.

Tears in his eyes, the thief pounded the ground in frustrated agony. The Voodoo dude however managed to hold back the waterworks long enough to waddle over to the bejeweled portion to the broken artifact.

"Unga glef," he said mysteriously as he picked it up. Then turning to the sobbing criminal, the man muttered a solemn "Glabu glakt," and disappeared into a cloud of smoke along with the priceless jewels.

Slowly climbing to his feet, Thatz made his way over to the bottom section of his beloved staff. It was half buried in the ground, so the sad boy pulled it out. And there, nestled among the mud and earthworms was a golden ring with a green stone shining with a mix of grief and snail slime.

"You…You wanted me to have this…" gasped out the young man to his dying treasure. "Yes, yes, I understand now…"

Thatz placed the mucky ring on his trembling index finger and then collected the staff in his arms. He carried the staff over to the cliff overlooking Lya and somberly buried it. When he was finished, he took one last look at his dearest treasure before dramatically turning to walk away. Thatz's eyes now burned with renewed hope and determination that he hadn't felt in years.

"I will avenge you…_Josephine_…"

-----------------End Flashback

"…And that's how I got my ring."

Cesia sniffled a bit before grabbing her handkerchief and blew her nose loudly

"That…that was so _beautiful_, Thatz!" she choked out between sobs.

Gil and Rune gaped at their two tearful teammates, at each other, and then back at Thatz and Cesia.

"…That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

The Earth and Wind masters quickly turned to glare at Bierrez.

"What'd you say!" growled Thatz.

"What? Did you not understand the 'stupid' part or the 'stupidest thing ever' part?" quipped the Heart Dragonteer, smirk back in place.

"Go back to being unconscious!" Cesia snarled back.

"Wait…How'd you recover so fast?" asked Rune gesturing to Bierrez's now scratch and bite mark-free face.

"It's a parody of a freaking _kid's show_. If I wasn't instantly restored to health, there'd be problems with the storyline," Bierrez answered.

"Since when does the authoress know how to follow a storyline?" laughed Thatz. "She can't even remember where she leaves her shoes every night!"

Without warning Cesia whacks the three of them on the back of the head with a conveniently placed folding fan.

"Stop breaking the fourth wall, you idiots!"

The three boys grumbled a bit, but complied.

"Right, now where were we?" asked Bierrez. "Oh, yeah, I was about to regale you all with the tragic tale of how I received my dumb ring…"

"What? No you weren't—"

Rune was immediately silenced by the reoccurance of the cheap flashbacky special effects, as the purple fog and spotlight returned.

------------ Flashback: Bierrez

Deep within a tropical rainforest on a small, unnamed island off the tip of the Dragoon territory lived a young man loved by all. Or at least loved by his village, anyway. He _was_ the only hottie within the island's limits, and these people didn't get out much.

For Bierrez this was both a blessing and a curse. On the plus side, he got all the attention from the cute girls that inhabited the island, but most of them had warped into obsessive Bierrez fangirls over the years, and now liked to stalk him. At first, Bierrez enjoyed the delicious treats and strawberry scented shampoos that they had brought him, yet grew wary of his little fan following once they had started living in the bushes outside his home and chanting 'Rezzy I love you!' from his window every night.

This was one of those days when Bierrez decided that he needed to take a little break from the lovestruck ladies by hiking through the rainforest in search of true love and a conditioner that wouldn't leave his hair all frizzy and unmanageable.

"Yes, Anna I'm sure I'll be fine. Of course I won't get lost, Sara, I've lived here my whole life. No, Maria I won't be needing your company today. I'll be back before tomorrow, Jean. Oh, Tanya…why don't you hang onto your _own_ bottle of 'lucky rabbit brains' _for_ me…"

It's a miracle that he's lived this long. Fake smile plastered in place, Bierrez said goodbye to his fan club and headed off to the more dangerous part of the jungle. The much-admired native knew that he would be safe from his hordes of fangirls for the moment, because yet another had recently been eaten by a jaguar when she went searching for raspberries in the forest to make a new fragrance in the shampoo line for the object of her affections.

"No skin off my nose," muttered Bierrez. "I hate raspberries…"

The future Dragonteer continued down the old path overgrowing with plants lost in his thoughts. It wasn't that he hated the lovely ladies that drooled in his wake, the spiky-headed youth just didn't possess any romantic feelings towards any of them. He was looking for his true love, his Queen, his Someone Just For Him, and none of them fit the bill.

Bierrez often imagined what his beloved would look like. Unsuccessfully, usually. At first, he wanted someone that looked just like his sexy self, but with big tits. When he told his late mother, she frowned and belayed to her son the story of Narcissus, the beautiful mortal that looked in the water and fell in love with himself. Bierrez's mother had made sure to emphasize how Narcissus pined away at his reflection until he wasted away and died. Terrified by her words, Bierrez settled for the stereotypical tall, mysterious woman with long dark and wavy hair.

So on days like this, Bierrez enjoyed having imaginary conversations with the girl of his dreams.

"So then I says 'That's no rabid gorilla with mange, that's your _aunt_!'"

Doubling up with laughter, the pathetic comedian turned to his illusionary date between his little spasms, and told her not to laugh as hard or she might get stomach cramps. Apparently she thought he was hilarious too.

After about fifteen more minutes of this, the laughter suddenly stopped. Off in a clearing, a frightened chimpanzee was caught in a snare trap left by a hunter. Closing in on him was a large jaguar with a sweet tooth for primates. Bierrez was content to leave the two alone so that nature could take its natural course and he could walk away with both legs still intact, but his dream girl wasn't having any of that.

"I have to…_what?_" Bierrez asked her in disbelief. "Baby, you know I don't do that whole _hero_ thing."

Cesia's forerunner clearly must have given Bierrez quite the verbal slap to the face, because the pointy-haired player winced slightly at her 'words.'

"Yeah, Yeah, you're right," apologized Bierrez. "I'm sorry, Baby. I'll take care of that mean ol' kitty cat."

Next thing Bierrez knew, he was walking over to the vicious kitty and its trapped target.

"Hey, you! Yeah, you the jag!" called out the dedicated boyfriend. "Get the hell away from the monkey!" He concluded this with an offensive hand gesture.

Five narrowly dodged paw swipes later, Bierrez had a change of heart.

"W, Wait a sec…can't we just talk about this and—Gah!"

The jaguar had pinned him to the ground. Bringing its frothing jaws closer to its prey's strawberry-scented head, the feline could practically taste Bierrez. Luckily for our hero, a great idea came to him as he saw his life flash before his eyes.

"Hang on Jaguar-sama, you really don't want to eat me or there'll be…_consequences_."

The beast had paused for a moment, so the future Dragonteer continued to nervously hide his fear and went on with his plan.

"That's right, big guy. You know that village not too far from here? Well it's swarming full of crazy hormonal girls that worship one incredibly handsome stud like a god—me."

The big cat seemed to be buying it, so Bierrez went on with his plan.

"If they were to find out that I was eaten by a jaguar, they would be very, very upset. In fact, I'd give them about two hours after my funeral to turn into an angry mob full of psycho femme fatales out for blood." Bierrez nodded. "Yep, while I'm sure this would normally be no problem for such a powerful creature like yourself, there's one more thing I should tell you about these girls………They're _otaku_."

Immediately the jaguar leapt off Bierrez, gave him an apologetic little bow with its head, and ran like hell.

Standing up to brush the dirt off his clothes, Bierrez flashed a million dollar smile towards his dream girl. However, before he could say anything witty he noticed his smoochy-woochy with a slight frown on her face and a hand pointing towards the trapped animal. Bierrez sighed and reluctantly made his way over to the spastic chimp.

"Ok, here you go…" he sighed again, cutting the rope that bound the chimp with his pocket knife. "Now get lost."

The freed chimp had other ideas. He hopped onto his savior's shoulder and presented him with a simple silver ring with a pink jewel in the center.

"The hell?" Bierrez spat. "Oh well, I'll figure this out later. I'm missing lunch by now…"

As the two started off for the Bierrez's village, the purple mist appeared once more to put a violet veil on the past.

------------------End Flashback

**: A/N :**

Neko: Ok, this thing is almost _too_ long! In order to make things easier to read, I'm cutting this first Mission in half. I don't expect to do this with many of the other chapters; I just didn't expect the flashbacks to take this long. I didn't even get to Rune's and Gil's! Those will be included in Part II, along with Rath's dramatic appearance, and the villain of the day.

Thanks for reading!

--------**Translation Corner**-------

Neko: As promised, here's the English translation of the foreign words I used. If I ever get any of these wrong **PLEASE CORRECT ME**. I love learning new languages, but I'm prone to slip-ups too.

**Shounen Ai **(Jap.) 'Boy love', malexmale pairing

**Itai **(Jap.) 'Ow', 'ouch', an expression of pain, etc.

**Bishounen** (Jap.) 'Pretty-boy', a good-looking guy, Half the cast of _Dragon Knights_

**Chibi** (Jap.) 'Little', 'tiny', sometimes used to describe super-deformed characters

**Otaku** (Jap.) An obsessed fan of something, usually anime/manga


	3. Spandex & Moodrings pt 2

**CAPTAIN DUSIS**

By: oONekomataOo

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own anything

**Warnings:** uh…a little shonen-ai later, maybe. And OOCness. Mwa ha ha!

Neko: Sorry for splitting the first mission in half, but at least you got two chapters at once out of it, right?

--------------------------------------------

**Spandex and Moodrings: Part II**

When we last left our heroes, they were reminiscing about the happier, ringless times of their lives. Times in their lives where the fate of the planet wasn't resting on their color coordinated Dragon logo t-shirted shoulders. Times that they all looked back on fondly. Mostly.

"And you said my story was stupid…" laughed Thatz.

"What do you mean?" the angry Heart Dragonteer growled. "Mine was the best so far!"

"Ou, Ou! Ah, Ahhh! AHHHHCK!" Pedro chimed in, none to pleased that a portion of his life was being mocked.

"Jeez, talk about vain," muttered Cesia. "Rune, Gil; why don't you tell us your stories?"

"H-Huh?" the Water wielder stuttered as Cesia batted her eyelashes at the two. "I don't know, mine's not very exciting…"

"Aww, c'mon! Please? I wanna hear it!" pleaded the Dragonteer of Wind.

Rune glanced at Gil who just shrugged. He wasn't going to get any help there; Gil was just as reluctant to be put on the spot as his comrade. Suddenly the annoying purplish haze appeared once more as the spotlight fell on Rune.

"Guess I don't really have a choice…"

----------------Flashback: Rune

Against the foamy white waves crashing against the rocks at the edge of Fiori, a blonde sat peacefully upon one of the smoother rock formations. This was a favorite spot of Rune's, for it allowed him to feel deeply connected to the ocean and its inhabitants…from a safe distance.

Not too long ago, Rune had loved to go swimming in the very same spot. The future Dragonteer wasn't horrible at it either, so when a group of dolphins swam around him, and prompted him to go a little further with them, Rune didn't object. It wasn't until the land started slipping from view that the boy decided to turn around and head back.

Bidding his dolphin friends farewell, Rune started back towards Fiori. Shocked, the flock of four lady dolphins began swimming around him in a circle once more. It had taken them forever to befriend the cute little blonde and convince him to swim with them deep into the vast ocean, they weren't going to give up until they had dragged the unsuspecting pretty-boy to their underwater castle, Poseidon be damned.

"Um, sorry guys, but I really have to go…" apologized Rune. "I'll be back tomorrow, I promise."

Tomorrow? Back _tomorrow_? Tomorrow did not sit well with the freaky fishies at all. It made them all the more persistent in their makeshift swimming barrier to keep the object of their aquatic obsession from leaving. They were close, so very close! The young man would soon join them in their undersea castle, where he would become their king and stay with them forever and ever. The quartet of females laughed to themselves in that irritating high-pitched squeaky noise that dolphins make.

"What are you doing?" asked Rune, a little more than slightly worried. He had never seen any dolphin act this way before. With their beady black eyes burning with fervor, strange squeaky chanting, erratic jumping and whatnot. "I really have to go."

This caused the lady dolphins to shriek in terror at the thought of losing their precious little land-dweller and swim around him even more rapidly. Treading water, Rune frantically tried to come up with a plan.

"I have some fresh fish back on the beach," smiled the blonde. "If you let me go back, I'll give them to you."

One of the larger dolphins squeaked out something to the effects of 'No fish can compare to you, my little Aquarian,' with the others agreeing immediately. Rune started to panic. None of the other dolphins had ever turned down fish before; they had usually begged for it, the lazy bastards. All Rune could do was continue treading water, but even he couldn't keep that up forever.

Although he continued to try to convince his unlikely captors to let him return to the land, the dolphins refused. Now nearly two hours later, the crazy crushing dolphins were going strong while Rune was starting to feel exhausted. The pack of rabid dolphins had even managed to lead him farther and farther away from the Fiori beaches.

'_I wonder how much longer I can go on…_' he thought glumly.

At the three hour mark, Rune was about ready to give up. His muscles were sore and the blonde was so tired, that he could barely see straight. As he slowly began to lose consciousness, Rune could feel himself drifting beneath the water's surface. The ocean had always felt like a second home to the future Water Dragonteer, but he wasn't ready to die underneath it.

Rune struggled with all of his might to swim back towards the top, but his own stiff muscles and the force of the four dolphins merrily dragging him downwards to their lovely abode prevented him from reaching it. Just as all hope seemed lost, Rune felt another force snag onto his left arm. Unable to figure out what was happening as his vision blurred, the last thing Rune heard was the hysterical cry of his crazy captors as he was pulled upwards.

"Hey, you're awake! Are you okay!" came a voice

Rune slowly opened his eyes.

"Man, was I surprised when I found you in my nets!"

Rune's vision cleared to reveal a young, dark-haired man about his age standing a little too close to Rune for his taste. Backing away quickly, the blonde eyed the other boy suspiciously. He was still pretty damp, so he shouldn't have been unconscious for very long.

"What happened? Who are you?" asked Rune

"I'm a fisherman!" the boy beamed. "The name's Nohiro, and I found you in my nets a coupla minutes ago. You must've been swimming huh?"

"Er…" Rune started, remembering the dolphins. "Yeah, but…" he glanced around recognizing the landmass only a few miles away. "This is Fiori, right?"

"Yep!" replied Nohiro with a huge grin on his face.

'_Good_,' Rune thought. '_This Nohiro guy seems nice enough, maybe he'll give me a ride to the docks._' It still bothered him the way Nohiro kept staring at him dreamily, though. And the slight drool on one side of the fisherman's mouth wasn't helping.

"This'll be perfect!" Nohiro cried. "I can take you to shore, and it'll be a happy ending just like in the fairy tales!"

Rune just smiled. He didn't really understand the last part, but at least he was getting home.

"Wow! I never thought I'd meet someone like you like this, but I've always dreamed about it!" beamed Nohiro, shojo-eyes in place.

"Excuse me?" Rune asked, even more confused.

"Yeah, I already have your sealskin right here," smiled the fisherman, holding up a chunk of bloody dolphin flesh. "So now you have to marry me! Then we'll live happily ever after!"

"Exactly what the hell do you think I am!" yelled Rune.

"You're one of the Selkies aren't you?" Nohiro grinned.

"I AM NOT A MERMAID!" exploded Rune. "I'm not even female, see!" he pointed to his shirtless upper body.

To say that Nohiro was in shock would be an understatement. His body rejected the statement by violently shaking and sweating profusely. His brain just could not take in the fact that Rune was a male, no matter how long he stared at the blonde's chest. The fact that Rune wasn't a Selkie was totally beyond his comprehension.

"B-But I found you swimming deep in the ocean…" Nohiro whimpered, his lower lip trembling.

"I was kidnapped by dolphins!" snapped Rune, the answer sounding every bit ridiculous to him as it must have to Nohiro.

"B-But I found your sealskin in the net with you…"

"That's _dolphin_ skin…and stop waving it in my face!"

"There's…there's no way. You're…you're just so beautiful!" sobbed Nohiro as he clasped Rune's hands in his own. "We'll go to the nearest church and get married! I'm sure everything will work out, Selkie!"

For a moment, Rune was stunned into silence at how dense Nohiro was. That didn't last long.

"Look, thanks for saving me and all, but I have to be going. It would never work out anyway, since I'm both _Human_ and _male_!

"It doesn't matter to me that you're a little flat-chested, Selkie! I love you!" cried the fisherman as he dove towards Rune, who promptly dove off the ship.

"I'm outta here!" shouted Rune as he furiously tore through the water towards the shore, despite his strained muscles.

The last thing he heard from the strange fisherman were his cries of 'Selkie, don't go!'

Back on the pale rocks outlining the sea near Fiori, Rune shook his head. It was a lesson well learned. The blonde once more took a small rubber ball and threw it for his new dolphin friends to fetch. However when one of the younger dolphins returned, he was not carrying the red ball.

In its mouth was a silver ring with a jewel the color of the ocean embedded in it.

--------------End Flashback

"You were kidnapped by _dolphins_!" Thatz struggled to choke out.

"And some guy thought you were a mermaid and tried to _marry_ you!" added Bierrez before both Dragonteers fell over howling with laughter.

Cesia wisely remained quiet for once and stepped away from the two on the ground. Pedro followed suit. Gil was always quiet, but made sure to be a safe distance away from the volcano of a Dragonteer that was about to erupt.

"_Shut up_!" roared Rune as he brought down two mallets upon his laughing comrades' heads.

Cesia winced and then turned to the indifferent Gil.

"Your turn!"

"……?"

"C'mon Gil! I wanna hear your story!"

"……"

"Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!"

"……No."

"Waaaaaaaah! I wanna hear it! I wanna hear it!"

"……"

Gil just sweatdropped at the noise. Rune covered his sensitive ears. Pedro ran around in frantic little circles shrieking monkey curses.

"If it helps, the bakas are going to be out for awhile…" stated Rune.

"……"

"Waaaaaaaaah!"

Pedro desperately tried to light six cigarettes at once, in hopes of passing out and escaping the horrible noise that Cesia continued to make.

"It would move the story along faster."

Once again on cue, the now clichéd purple fog and random spotlight appeared for hopefully the last time for a few more chapters. As the spotlight shone on the Fire Master, he sighed.

"…Alright."

---------Flashback: Gil

Among the cold and snowy streets of Emphaza, a lone boy walked. His tattered clothes gave the impression that he was one of the poorer residents, while his worn out boots striking the cobbled streets with his every step confirmed it. His long blue hair danced in the chilly breeze behind him yet also managed to cover the eye patch he wore after losing sight in his right eye after an accident. Typically, he'd get looks from the other townsfolk, but on that day most were inside to avoid the oncoming blizzard.

Gil, the future Dragonteer of Fire, was also on his way home, yet he knew that the very second he opened the door he would regret it. This unfortunate soul was born and raised in the slums his whole life, yet that wasn't the least of his problems. Both of his parents were alcoholic and abusive. Gil's father had even strangled his own wife to death with a rubber chicken during one of his drunken episodes. And cold days like these were when he was at his worst.

With great difficulty, Gil had tried to feel remorseful at his mother's funeral six years ago, but he couldn't do it. In fact, he felt an overwhelming guilt during the days following her burial because he was relieved that he would only need to dodge one set of fists from then on. And then there were the chipmunks.

Those tiny little bastards lived in the run-down house that Gil and his father shared and delighted in nothing more than making life miserable for the blue-haired bishounen. They stole food, they crapped on carpets, they delivered beer, they shredded clothing, and they held karaoke contests under Gil's bed at three a.m. every night. Every time poor Gil had tried to explain it to his father, the man was either too smashed or too pissed to listen.

Pushing them from his mind, Gil shut his golden eye and tried to take pleasure in the one true happy memory he had—a memory of a tall red-haired boy with kind eyes.

_"Hey, are you all right?" asked the red head inside of Gil's memory._

Gil had been walking down an alley, when someone on the second floor of a nearby building had dumped a box of dying plants out their window, and on to Gil. Just as it registered in his mind as catnip, a slew of strays were already on him.

The frightened child had managed to brush off most of them and run away, but it was far from over. After he cleared the narrow alleyway a giant cat had leaped down from somewhere in the sky, bringing its front claws down against Gil's right eye. Gil then fell to the ground, clutching his heavily bleeding wound in agony.

_"Hey are you all right?"_

That was the first time anyone had ever regarded Gil with caring speech. Those words had saved him.

Their owner had managed to chase the cats away and then treat Gil. Although, he was never able to regain vision in his right eye, Gil felt fortunate to have met a friend for the first time in his life. He was even able to forgive the beast of a cat that wounded him after being called 'Kitten' several times by his new friend. Good thing too, as the future Dragonteer of Fire had a strange natural affinity with cats. Go figure.

Back on the mean streets of Emphaza, Gil managed a small smile during his recollection of the time he spent with his dear friend. Only then did the permanent Cloud of Angst floating above Gil's head begin to clear.

Of course it then reappeared once the boy remembered that he hadn't seen his friend in several years, after the red head's mysterious disappearance. There were times when Gil would question whether he hadn't made up the whole thing just to ease the pain of his depression. Did his red haired friend exist anywhere outside of Gil's memories? He couldn't even remember his name.

The sound of a cat meowing pulled Gil out of his musings once more. The golden-eyed young man turned around to find a black cat staring up at him with eerie blue eyes.

"Are you lost?" Gil inquired.

"Meow," came his reply as the shadow-like feline took off towards an alley.

Gil shrugged then followed. It wasn't like he was in any hurry to get home. He did however quicken his pace, once he heard a scream echo from within the alleyway. Sure enough, our hero stumbled upon a young traveler backed against a corner, surrounded by thugs.

"P, Please don't hurt me!" begged the inexperienced vagabond.

"Aw, we won't hafta hurt ya, Missy," snarled one of the thugs. "You just give us all yer money an' we might letcha live."

He and the rest of his gang laughed while the young girl shivered.

"I, I'm sorry, but I…I don't have any money…" she whimpered. "I spent it all just getting to this town…"

"Well dats just too damn bad!" the thug hollered as he drew his dagger.

"Wait boss," interrupted one of the gang members. "There's other ways of makin' her pay…"

"Noooo!" cried the traveler.

Gil had seen enough. He stepped out of the shadows and alerted the pack of fools to his presence.

"Take off," he said simply. "If you want to live."

"Who're you!" asked a particularly fat member of the gang.

"…My name is of no importance." Gil replied, closing his eye. _'Idiots probably couldn't spell it anyway…' _

"Hmm," grunted the boss, eying the mysterious hero up and down. "You don't look like another damn tourist…so you probably already know us cuz we's so famous around here.

Gil stayed silent. He had no idea who these morons were or where the hell they learned English. A dumpster, perhaps?

"WE ARE THE INFAMOUS LOLLIPOP BRIGA-er, GANG!"

There was an embarrassed silence.

"The _what_!" asked the astonished traveler.

"WE ARE THE INFAMOUS LOLLIPOP BRIGANG!"

"You mean 'Brigade?'"

"_BRIGANG_! WE ARE THE INFAMOUS LOLLIPOP BRIGANG! "

"Whatever."

At this point, the Lollypop losers had drawn their knives, steel pipes, and broken bottles. One of them took a few steps closer towards the drifter, causing Gil to step in.

"Whaddaya think yer doin' Prettybo—URGH!" cried the gang leader as Gil's knee made contact with the larger man's nose. Blood sprayed everywhere while the rest of the gang looked on, jaws slack. "Y-You bwoke dmy _dose_, you bwastard! Ged 'im!"

On their leader's command, the nine other punks rushed Gil in an attempt to kill him and let their boss nurse his bleeding nose. They never even stood a chance.

Superior fighting skills were not something Gil was especially proud of, but when your father's an alcoholic and chipmunks are plotting your death, you learn a few things.

Twenty-six broken bones, twelve permanent scars, eight cracked skulls, three crushed noses, and a particularly painful wedgie later, and the Lollypop Brigang ran (or were dragged) off. Gil stood victorious as the wind dramatically blew his hair in that 'I'm a dangerously sexy hero with a tragic past' way, that serves many bishounen so well.

"Wow!" cried the young traveling girl as she clung to Gil's arm. "You're totally my hero, cutie!"

"Uh, wait…" Gil cut in. "I was just—"

The Angst King was saved by a most unexpected event. Some random garbage can spontaneously combusted near the two. Once the traveler saw the flame spewing bin, she immediately took off running like she had just heard that the Easter Bunny was really a Demon Lord in disguise. As the tip of the inferno curled towards the wide-eyed young man, it flung a silver ring branded with a crimson gemstone.

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?"

---------------End Flashback

"That was…different," Cesia put in. "I was kinda expecting something a little more entertaining…"

Gil hung his head in embarassment.

"Cesia!" scolded Rune. "It's not his fault that the authoress is being lazy! She's probably typing this at three a.m. again."

"Fourth wall!" shouted the Wind Master.

There was once again sweatdropping and shaking of the heads.

"Let's just head to the tavern and complete our mission," suggested the Water Dragonteer.

"Wait, I have a question," Bierrez said, rubbing the back of his head.

"Eek! Where'd you come from?" shrieked the surprised young lady.

"I already told you, it's a para—" he paused when he noticed Cesia's glare on him. "It's a para…paramedic that must secretly appear from behind the scenes…Yeah. Paramedic. Anyway! I wanted to know if these groovy little gadgets were like moodrings." Asked the spiky-haired speaker.

"No," replied Rune through gritted teeth. "They're gifts bestowed to us by the Star Princess and her brother, the Great Kai-stern. Weren't you listening?"

"Riiiight," Bierrez responded. Then getting an idea to test them, he snuck behind Cesia. When she began scanning the crowd for cute boys again, he quickly pinched her ass and ran around like a laughing fool.

Cesia was not pleased at all. Her face was now beet red, but poor little 'Rezzy never got a chance to see that. Before the Heart Dragonteer had a chance to even blink, Cesia uttered 'Wind,' and slapped the side of his face with the force of a hurricane. Yep, Bierrez was out before he got to finish his victory dance and gloat.

The Wind Dragonteer just snorted before turning on her heel, and angrily stalked off towards the tavern. Since he was running out of smokes, Pedro followed. From the cobbled streets, Bierrez blinked back to reality by the power of the 'Paramedic.'

"So, did her ring change color?"

The other three males shrugged.

"Well, your ring looks more reddish than pink now…Oh wait, that's just your blood," smiled Thatz in sympathy. "Cesia hit ya really hard, huh?"

------------------------------------------------

Location: Cliffs above Chantel

"Yesssss," hissed a snakelike voice. "This town shall ssssssoon belong to Lord Nadil, dil…"

The ragged woman continued spying on Chantel and cackling in a snakelike way. Really, you'd think that the 'Almighty Demon Lord' could afford to hire less annoying cronies.

"Ssssssoon thissss town shall be burnt to the ground, ound! And on itsssss ashessss, shall be yet another planet desssstroying power plant shall be built, uilt! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, sss, sss, sss!" she cried.

"Think again, Snakewoman," mocked a new voice, as it made its way out of the bushes. "I'm taking this town and turning it into a giant sewer for me to rule!"

"Urgh, I can ssssee why, hy…" grumbled the raven-haired henchwoman, pinching her nose to ward off the new man's offensive b.o. "You sssssmell like one already!"

The Spirit of the Dark Swamp ('Swampy' to his friends) frowned.

"And where do you get off judging people, you mismatched sauropsidic bimbo!"

It was Jilge's turn to frown.

"What did you call me, e!"

A smackdown between the two seemed inevitable.

--------------------------------------------------

Location: Chantel

"I can't believe how much booze they had in there!" exclaimed Thatz as he exited one of the local taverns with a pack of Lefury under each arm.

"I know!" agreed Cesia, who was holding the door open for him. "It's almost like they have an underground operation or something!"

"I hope all of this lasts the Great Kai-stern for awhile…" said Rune as he looked at the rest of the Dragonteers. Each of them was carrying at least two packs of Lefury except for Cesia, who appointed herself as official Door-Opener.

"It'll probably last him three days tops," Bierrez snorted before quickly coughing. "Pedro! Go smoke your shit on someone else's box!"

From his position on top of the stack of Lefury that Bierrez was balancing in his arms, Pedro quickly cussed him out in some primate language and continued smoking. The four other Dragonteers sweatdropped. Was the authoress really too lazy to steal Suchi the monkey from the original series?

"I'm gonna drop this in about five #$#&$ seconds if you don't stop, Chimpy!"

"Ou-ah! Ou-ah, ah, AH!"

The other Dragonteers sweatdropped once more when Pedro took another drag on his smoke and Bierrez dropped the three packs of Lefury as promised. Pedro had managed to jump off the stack, but his tail had gotten caught between two of the boxes when they landed. A terrible inhuman scream was heard by all.

"Serves ya right," gloated Bierrez.

The others quickly grabbed the two and dragged them to the outskirts of the town before they could cause a scene.

"Man, we can't take you guys anywhere," Thatz grinned.

"Hey, blame the smart-assed monkey over there, not me!" snarled the Heart Dragonteer.

The heroes proceeded up the hill, only to hear the sounds of villainous arguing.

"Wonder what that is…" Cesia mused.

Her comrades shrugged. Pedro snuggled closer to her chest to further incite Bierrez.

"You're a real bitch, you know that!" shouted a male voice.

"And you're a ssssstupid frog-lipped maggot, got!" a female voice screamed back.

The Dragonteers blinked and snuck a little closer to the top of the cliff, where the sound was coming from.

"What's their problem?" asked the Wind Dragonteer.

The others shrugged once more, with the exception of Bierrez, of course. The spiky-haired youth was too busy glaring at the chimpanzee.

"What! You ugly old hag!"

"Ill-bred sewer rat, at!"

"Don't you know it!"

"Hmph!" Jilge scoffed. "It really doesn't matter, Lord Nadil shall have this town regardless of what you say!"

The Dragonteers' eyes widened at the sound of their nemesis' name.

"Riiiiiiiight, well then he can get off his lazy ass and take it over himself!" taunted Swampy. "This here town's _mine!_"

"Maybe we should do something?" Rune whispered to the others.

His comrades nodded in agreement. Those two freaks on the cliff were clearly connected with powerful Organizations of Evil. And despite how strange they looked, they also might be armed and dangerous. Yep, the Dragonteers would need to handle this with care. The four of them quickly pushed Rune out of the bushes and towards the villains.

"H, Hey!" protested the blonde as he stumbled over to the bickering bad guys.

"Who the hell are you!" Swampy shouted.

"Yesssss, what are you doing here, boy, oy?" questioned Jilge.

"Um…"

Both villains regarded him with suspicion. Handsome male characters with long flowing hair only appear in those crazy comics the girls all love to read, not in _real_ life. They decided that he was either a bad omen or an alien trying to suck out their innards.

"YOU MUST DIE!" both yelled, before running at him with pitchforks. Okay, Jilge went 'die, ie!' but you get the point.

"Wait a—" the Dragonteer of Water started to stay, but was cut off by a pitchfork thrown in his general direction.

"Evil alien!" roared Swampy. "You'll never get my spleen! Never!"

A confused Rune just continued dodging pitchfork thrusts until he was backed against a tree. He slowly raised his fist towards Jilge and Swampy.

"You asked for this...," muttered the blonde. "Water!"

A stream of high-pressured water shot out of his ring, and directly into his unsuspecting foes.

"Uggggharckblagh, agh!" Jilge managed to sputter.

"NOOOOO! I had a bath _last_ year!" screamed Swampy, deathly afraid of the water. "It burns, it BURNS!"

Rune sighed in relief once he saw the two demons sprawled out on the ground. Before he could get too relaxed a hand patted him on the back, making him jump a bit.

"Good job, Rune-chi!" Thatz beamed. "I've taught you well!"

"What! You were the one that shoved me out here, so _you_ wouldn't get attacked!" fumed the Water Dragonteer. "I'm just surprised you didn't make a run for it!"

"Awww, you know I'd never do that!" pouted Thatz with puppy-dog eyes. "We're buddies, right?"

"I'll 'buddy' you…" snarled Rune.

"Uh, guys…they're still moving," stated Gil.

"Your turn, Cesia!" smiled Thatz.

"No _way_," cringed Cesia through a pinched nose. "I can _still_ smell that guy!"

"You won't do it for the sake of Chantel?"

"I'm not going anywhere near that stink-o, Thatz."

Thatz glanced at the other Dragonteers.

"Don't look at me!" The Dragonteer of Heart growled.

"Alrighty, then let's just summon Captain Dusis and call it a day."

The others agreed.

"Let our Powers combine," chanted Thatz while all of the Dragonteers raised their rings heavenward. "Earth!"

"Fire!" exclaimed Gil.

"Wind!" Cesia chimed in.

"Water!" Rune called.

"……" came Bierrez.

"Bierrez!" shouted the others, their respective elements already streaming out of their rings and into the sky.

"…Heart," he sighed.

"Go Dusis!" they cheered.

The five beams of light spiraled together until they merged together as one giant sphere of white energy. From within the radiance, a powerful voice could be heard—

"By your Powers combined, I am—HOLY SHIT, WHAT IS THAT **SMELL?**!"

As the light dimmed a figure appeared in the sky, hunched over and gasping for breath.

"&$$#&$#$! What IS that!" screeched Rath, floating proudly in his Spandex.

His skintight, bright red, Dragon crested spandex. That ended up resembling a cropped shirt and a Speedo that even the most experienced swimmer would be embarrassed to wear. The belt that he wore above his er, Speedo, also bore the Dragon logo. What his elbow-high gloves and knee-high boots were made of was a mystery, but the same spandex-y material as the rest of his _cough_ uniform was probably a safe bet, as they were the same color.

"What do you brats want, anyway!" yelled Rath to his devoted followers.

They pointed to Jilge and Swampy, who were by now getting to their knees and staring with a mix of awe and disgust for the barely clothed superhero before them.

"They're evil. Vanquish them." Bierrez said simply.

Rath frowned, but complied. He came all this way, he might as well have some fun beating the snot out of demons.

"Mwa ha ha ha ha!" chortled the Planet's savior. "You foolish yokai with your pitchforks and bad body odors! Don't you know by now that evil doesn't pay!"

The two evil-doers exchanged a glance.

"Ssssso that'sssss why I didn't get my last paycheck, eck…"

"That's right, fools! It's time for a new deposit of morals and justice, because your reality check's bounced!"

"……Neko's really getting a kick outta this isn't she?" whispered Thatz to Gil, who nodded.

"Here's a bonus for you!" hollered Rath as he took a deep breath of air.

Leaning back, Captain Dusis slowly released the air within his lungs directly at the slow-witted demons before him. Both were instantly blown backwards by the force of the gusts and clung onto the edge of the cliffs for dear life. The Dragonteers cheered.

"Wait, I just thought of something," mused Rune as he quickly flipped through a small book entitled 'NeKo's NoTes' in skribbly handwriting. "Captain Planet doesn't actually kill people in his series, so maybe we shouldn't either…"

"Rune, Rune, Rune," Thatz said gently, putting a hand on his comrade's shoulder. "You think too much. You also shouldn't be reading this stuff," he indicated to the notebook. "It'll give you brain disease, or an ulcer, or something."

"Yeah, they'll probably rear their ugly heads later since this is a para, para, paralegal's worst nightmare," agreed Bierrez, making sure to correct himself at the end.

"And here's your interest!" Captain Dusis shouted at his shaken foes.

With that, Rath quickly filled his superhero lungs with a tremendous amount of air. Jilge and Swampy's eyes widened. They knew what would happen next.

SWOOOOOOSH

Snakewoman and Swamp E.Rat were instantly sent hurtling off the overhang and into the distant sky with the overused 'twinkle' effect. Of course they made the standard "We'll get you for this, Captain Dusis!" threat during their one-way trip to the other side of the continent as well. After all, you can't have cheesy villains without nacho-cheesy dialog.

"Go Dusis!" cheered on the Dragonteers.

"Right, right, I'm totally awesome, I know," said Rath with the wave of his hand. He had now landed near the Dragonteers to strike a dramatic hero pose.

"That was the best!" gushed Cesia, her eyes lovestruck at the stud that used her power to (temporarily) thwart Evil.

"Er…yeah. I gotta get going. Right now," replied Captain Dusis. He rose into the sky and took a final look at his followers. "And remember, the Power…is YOURS!"

The Dragonteers smiled. Well…Cesia, Thatz, and Rune smiled. Bierrez wasn't too fond of Captain Dusis and Gil wasn't too fond of smiling.

"So don't call me down for this crap again!" shouted Rath before becoming enveloped in bright light again. He vanished within the orb 'o' energy while the lights regressed to their original elements and returned to their respective ring-holders.

Thatz surveyed the battlefield before looking at his comrades and their twelve cases of Lefury.

"Well guys, let's go home."

That said, the five brave Dragonteers (and their little chimp too) headed off into the crimson sunset to their headquarters on Hope Island. Because that's what all good little heroes do, right?

---------------------------**Spandex & Moodrings END**

**:A/N:**

Neko: Oh…my…gods…I thought that was gonna kill me. Argh! It didn't turn out the way I wanted it to either! Gil's Flashback was horrible! And Rath's part was too short! _(bashes head on desk)_ Oh well, good practice I guess. Now I can _really_ screw with the plot! Mwa ha ha ha!

**Next Time: _Scientific Progress Goes 'Boink!' _**

Thanks for reading!

--------**Translation Corner**-------

Neko: Here's the English translation of the foreign words I used. Once again **PLEASE CORRECT ME **should any of this be wrong.

**Shojo **(Jap.) "Girl" or "Girly"

**Selkies** (Brit.) "Seal Women" In the British Orkney Islands, there's a legend of Selkies coming ashore to give birth to their pups. Several times a man has taken her sealskin (to keep her in her human form), forces her into marriage, has kids, and lives happily. In each case, the Selkie found her sealskin and returned to sea forever. Anyone read _Ayashi No Ceres_? Same deal.

**Baka** (Jap.) "Idiot" or "Fool" but you all probably knew that.

**Bishounen** (Jap.) "Pretty-boy", a good-looking guy, Half the cast of _Dragon Knights_

**Yokai** (Jap.) "Demon"


	4. Scientific Progress Goes 'Boink'

**CAPTAIN DUSIS**

By: oONekomataOo

**Disclaimer:** Not owning anything, that's me.

**Warnings:** uh…a little shonen-ai later, maybe. And OOCness. Mwa ha ha!

Neko: Okay, I've had three cans of Mountain Dew and half a carton of ice cream…it's Captain Dusis writin' time!

-------**Response to Reviewers**-------

Neko: Whoa. That was taken much better than I thought…

Oh and as a sidenote, don't take offense if I use a different variant on character names than you. (ex: Thatz – Thats, Bierrez – Viaresu) I just use whatever works best in English or whatever I think of at the time.

**xxDKGurlxx** – Ha ha I liked Thatz's little flashback best, and yeah I can't believe he would've tossed _DNAngel_ either. Maybe he's got a grudge against Dark…lol Don't let Thatz and Dark get to ya, if you picked up _Dragon Knights_ **and** _DNAngel_, you're doing something right :)

**Hiranieas** – I'm glad you liked it! Rune's was my second favorite of the crazy flashbacks. I originally didn't even have the Selkie thing in my rough, but added it when I put in Nohiro. Heh, just couldn't resist it.

**Sango the demon exterminator** – Thanks! I've got Kai-stern in this chappie and wrote Nadil into an upcoming one. I'm still trying to figure out how to get the other three dragon officers in this messed up thing.

--------------------------------------------

**Scientific Progress Goes 'Boink'**

Hope Island was a beautiful place located at the center of the world. It went by largely untouched by anyone for thousands of years, so its wildlife thrived in a gorgeous natural habitat. An essence to Dusis, this moderately large island's beauty was comparable to Eden's, much to the joy of its caretakers. Or most of them at least.

Living on this island since the dawn of time, were two ancient beings deeply tied with the planet and its inhabitants. Hope Island was the place that The Great Kai-stern and his sister The Star Princess called home. It was also the only place in all of Dusis that the two deities could take on a tangible form.

The Star Princess was your typical young and soft-spoken, willowy beauty. She loved the planet more than anything else, and always did her part to take care of it. The Star Princess spent most of her day watching various places all over the world on her Planet-Vision—a large crystalline device capable of instantly viewing any location on the planet and seeing into the future. At one point, she had used a crystal ball, but her brother The Great Kai-stern had accidentally broken it when he had believed it to be a genetically-engineered killer hamster mutant after his nose during one of his drunken episodes. When she wasn't watching Oprah, The Star Princess enjoyed playing with the friendly animals of the island, or talking with the Dragonteers if they weren't on a mission. Her brother was a different story.

The Great Kai-stern was originally a valiant spokesman for the planet, and made sure that when the primitive humans were about to do something stupid to Dusis, his voice was heard. The humans would tremble in his wake and never fail to obey his word. Then alcohol was invented. Now The Great Kai-stern was essentially a college boy on a permanent Spring Break. But loveable nonetheless.

As different as they may be, the duo of eco-deities shared a common weakness—the planet's pain. Whenever some idiot in Glaciosa dumped toxic waste into a duck pond, they felt it. Whenever a group of misled morons in Kainaldia attempted to summon an ancient demon and blew up half a forest and a population in the process, they felt it. And of course, whenever some dork pulled the Do Not Remove tag off a pillow and threw it out a window…it burned like a _bitch_. This was why they created the rings to summon Captain Dusis and recruited the Dragonteers. Which they still relied on to this day; as they anxiously waited for a stronger version of Aspirin to come out.

"Brother, look!" cried The Star Princess. "The Dragonteers have returned!"

"My booze!" beamed The Great Kai-stern as they both raced out to meet them. "Gimme! Gimme!"

The five Dragonteers and the snoring Pedro wearily stumbled out of their large innertube.

"It-It's good to s-see you, Great Ones…" wheezed Rune.

"Ugh…there has _got_ to be a better way to travel," moaned Bierrez, none too pleased that they had been working for the two planet protectors for nearly two months and _still_ had to use an innertube and a broken stick to travel through the ocean.

"I don't feel so good…" Cesia whined, clutching her stomach.

Completely ignoring the complaints of his Dragonteers, The Great Kai-stern leapt into the innertube, stacked all twelve cases of Lefury in his arms, and took off towards his throne room with a "Woo hoo!"

"Great job, everyone!" beamed the Star Princess. "You've earned a break—"

"Y'mean like a vacation?" Bierrez asked eagerly.

"An all expense _paid_ vacation?" Thatz added.

"Why certainly," the deity smiled. "Feel free to return to your huts and relax until your next mission."

The Dragonteers of Heart and Earth were quickly deflated. They knew that it wouldn't take that long for The Great Kai-stern to get smashed and come up with another conspiracy they had to thwart. Their seasick comrades however, didn't seem all that disappointed with the Star Princess' offer and welcomed the opportunity to nap.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Location: Kharl's Evil Laboratory of DOOM

"Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" came the villainous voice of a silhouette outlined only by the thunderstorm that raged outside his ridiculously huge window. "I've completed it at _last_!"

"Completed what, Lord Kharl?" asked apron-clad Garfakcy as he entered the room.

"I've infused some of the vegetables from the garden with a few demon seeds and added some of the souls we had in the back room to create a Super Army that only requires sunlight, water, and human flesh to reign terror on the entire world!" shrieked the alchemist before lapsing into a mad batch of giggles.

"Oh, that's ni—wait, you mean _my_ vegetable garden?" Garfakcy yelled. "I told you to stay out of it!"

"Garfakcy, Garfakcy," Kharl said in sympathy while putting a hand on the boy's shoulder. "In order to conquer the world, some sacrifices must be made."

"Well what are we going to do for dinner, now?"

Kharl didn't seem to hear him.

"Yes…it is a small price to pay for having the entire world in my teacup," the alchemist continued. "Which reminds me, I'm kinda thirsty."

"Lord Kharl that makes no sense…where are you—Stop! Stop! Don't drink that!" cried Garfakcy.

But it was too late. In his quest to quench his thirst, Kharl noticed a small glass full of something that resembled juice and downed it without a second thought. If he would have looked in the book to the left of it, Kharl would have seen the open page that had a Frog Transformation potion recipe.

"Ribbit! Ribbit!"

The tri-color haired assistant could only stare in shock at the disappearing smoke where his master had stood only moments before.

"L-Lord Kharl?"

"Ribbit! Ribbit!" croaked the albino frog. "What, ribbit, happened to me, ribbit?"

"You're a frog, Lord Kharl! You turned into a freaking _frog_!" his assistant screamed at him.

"…."

For a few uncomfortable seconds Garfakcy held his amphibian master in both hands as they both tried to figure out what the hell went wrong.

"Ooooh! Ribbit! I remember now!" Kharl croaked out happily. "I was making a, ribbit, Frog Transform-o Potion for, ribbit, that annoying Dragon Lord in the west! Ribbit! Guess I forgot all about it, ribbit!"

Garfakcy tried to process what his master had just told him while ignoring his strange froggy laughter. How could you completely _forget_ about…..well it _was_ Kharl we're talking about, so Garfakcy supposed it was possible.

Pulling himself back together, the boy tried to focus on the bigger picture.

"Will it wear off or do you need to make an antidote?"

"Hmm…ribbit. I'm not really sure, ribbit, ribbit."

Garfakcy smacked his forhead with the hand that wasn't holding Kharl.

"Okay, what were you saying earlier about your super vegetable army?" He asked the albino frog.

"Oh, yes, ribbit," the pale amphibian said. "I had planned on planting them on the countryside somewhere so they could grow big and leafy for me."

His assistant just kinda…stared at the albino frog for a moment at the idea of letting some demon-plant hybrid grow on a farm alongside tomatos and broccoli, but nodded for Kharl to go on.

"And then when they've matured, ribbit, they will erupt from the soil and howl a, ribbit, unearthly scream before they attack the nearest humans they can find, ribbit, in the first of many bloody battles to claim back the planet, ribbit!"

"Uh-_huh_. Tell ya what, Lord Kharl," started Garfakcy. "I'll go plant your…vegetable soldiers and you start looking for a cure for your frog spell. When I get back I'll help you make it."

"Alright, Garfakcy!" beamed the former alchemist gone Frogger. "But do hurry, I've got the oddest craving for fly pancakes."

------------------------------------------------------------

Location: Hope Island

"GET MY HORSE! GET MY GUN! THE CAULIFLOWER ARE ATTACKING!"

"Onii-chan, please calm down! I'm sure that there are no cauliflower on the island! Bierrez is allergic to them, remember?"

"THEY'VE, hic, MADE IT PAST THE FIRST DEFENSE AND ARE HEADING TO THE CASTLE! THE CAULIFLOWER HAVE COME FOR WHAT WAS ONCE THEIRS, hic!"

"But onii-chan I don't see any cauliflower here! We don't even live near a castle…unless…Is this a mission for the Dragonteers, onii-chan?"

"The caaaaaaaaaaauliflower…hic."

As The Great Kai-stern collapsed into his six empty packs of Lefury, The Star Princess rushed out to gather the Dragonteers.

On the beach, she found Cesia suntanning and Gil taking a catnap under a palm tree. The Star Princess gently shook him awake and the two headed over to Cesia.

"Onii-chan has a mission for you all, Cesia," she said sweetly.

"Argh. Already?" grumbled the Dragonteer of Wind. "I'm never gonna get a tan at this rate! Even Gil gets a tan and he's from _Emphaza _for Dusis sakes!"

The tan bishi sweatdropped and the small princess apologized. Coming back from his walk on the beaches, the Dragonteer of Water headed over to the group to see what was up.

"Do we have another mission, Princess?" Rune inquired.

"Yes, Onii-chan just informed me of a new threat," she replied in a worried tone. "Do you know where the others are?"

"That depends," Rune stated. "Do bushes usually have tails?"

"Huh?"

The others looked over towards the bush Rune was pointing to. Spiky dual-colored hair protruded from the top of the shrubbery while a chimpanzee tail swished up and down at the side. Cigarette smoke also lingered in the air nearby.

"Uh…"

"Bierrez, you pervert!" shrieked Cesia, reaching for her bottle of suntan lotion and throwing it at him.

From the bush, the Dragonteer of Heart had been looking down to talk to Pedro.

"Hey do you think they see us, they're all looking over here or—OW!"

Direct hit.

The others headed over to him to inform him of the new mission while he nursed his injury.

"I wonder where Thatz could be?" the Star Princess pondered out loud.

"Feh. Take a guess," snorted Bierrez. "He's probably been sleeping since we got back."

When they arrived at the Dragonteer of Earth's hut, they found him snoozing away just as Bierrez had predicted. Unfortunately, Thatz wouldn't stir despite The Star Princess' gentle urging.

"We'll take care of this, Princess" stated Rune as he and Bierrez each took an end of their lazy comrade's bed.

"…1…"

"…2…"

"…3!"

With that the two flipped over the bed, Dragonteer and all.

"ZZZZZ…OW!" protested the rudely awakened Thatz. "What the hell are you guys _doing_?"

"We have a mission from The Great Kai-stern. You wouldn't get up," said Rune.

"That didn't mean you had to flip over my damn bed!"

"It's almost lunchtime anyway, so stop complaining."

All objections from the Dragonteer of Earth were immediately put on hold at the promise of food. And now that all the Dragonteers were gathered, it was time to see The Great Kai-stern……passed out in his throne room.

"Hold on, I'll go wake him," said The Star Princess as she pattered over to revive her brother.

"This is the guy we take orders from…..The world really is doomed," Rezzy said glumly.

"He's still a planetary deity, so show him some respect," hissed Rune.

"Right, right…"

"My shildren!" slurred the slammed savior. "I haves a new misshun forsh yuuuuuu!"

"Oh, joy," Bierrez said, but shut up when he felt Rune's deathglare on him.

"Yesh…THE CAULIFLOWER HAVE COME!" The Great Kai-stern proclaimed, flapping his arms about wildly in the air. He struggled to regain his balance before continuing. "Ash foretold in the propheshy, they have returned!"

All but Bierrez sweatdropped. The Dragonteer of Heart paled.

'_He knows I'm allergic to those damned things, right?_' panicked Rezzy. '_He's just messing with me, right? I mean, he's drunk of his ass, there's now way he could possibly be serious…but what if he is…!'_

Bierrez gulped as The Great Kai-stern continued.

"In tha Shmiling Valley, all shall be revealed."

--------------------------------------------------------

Location: Farmer Smiley's Bean Patch

"You have got to be kidding me," grumbled Thatz.

Cesia looked at the wooden sign that advertised the farm.

"Nope. This was the closest match that The Star Princess could find for "the Smiling Valley" that The Great Kai-stern was talking about," she assured him.

"But you saw how drunk he was! Why else would he send us on this bogus mission?" Thatz complained before he noticed Bierrez. "Hey man, you don't look so good…is something wrong?"

The poor spiky-haired Dragonteer was very pale, sweating, and trembling slightly. He didn't even take notice of Pedro's cigarette ashes falling on his jacket.

"I'm allergic to cauliflower," he said softly.

"What was that? I didn't quite hear ya," Thatz replied.

"I'm allergic to cauliflower," Bierrez said a little louder.

"Huh? Speak up, Rezzy! This isn't like you," commented Cesia.

"I'M ALLERGIC TO CAULIFLOWER!" he shouted.

Both of his comrades had covered their ears in response.

"Geez, you didn't have to shout," the Dragonteer of Wind snarled. "Besides this is a _bean patch_, genius."

If that had been anyone other than Cesia, Bierrez would have kicked their head in. However, since it was Cesia that made the remark, the Dragonteer of Heart had settled for continuing his panic attack until Gil and Rune came back from the farm house.

"Well the farmer didn't have too much to say about any suspicious vegetable activity," Rune relayed to the others. "All he really mentioned was weird noises at night and large amounts of ash found near the gardening equipment."

"Ooh, _scary_!" Thatz said sarcastically. "You really questioned Farmer Smiley about killer cauliflower?"

"Well…I rephrased some of the description."

"Ugh! We're here for the cauliflower, not the boogeyman!" Cesia growled. "Let's just go home!"

"Cauliflower!" shuddered Bierrez.

"I think we should investigate the field first," suggested Gil. "I have a bad feeling about it…"

"Okay," agreed Thatz. "But we should hurry up, the sun's almost down and this thing's seven pages already."

Our brave heroes ventured into the large field near the farmhouse, but weren't able to find anything too out of the ordinary. Some newly dug up soil near the edge of the property and a few random piles of ash littered the ground, but other than that…

"That's it! I've had enough! I wanna go back home!" the wind mistress yelled. "It's already dark out and we haven't found anything!"

"Cesia…" Rune started.

"No! I'm sick of this! Dirt as far as the eye can see! I'm a city girl, dammit!"

"But, Cesia-" he tried again.

"WHAT?"

"What are you stepping on?"

"Huh?"

She looked down and cringed. Under her heel was a strange assortment of copper-colored leaves and a very mushy reddish-brown exterior.

"Ewwwww…" she whined as she reached down to pluck it off her boot.

"Is it…_cauliflower_?" Bierrez whimpered from his position hiding behind Gil.

"No, I believe that's white, not brown," the Dragonteer of Fire replied sweatdropping.

"Well whatever it is, it's outta here!" Cesia growled as she pulled it out by the leaves, ready to launch it to the next farm over.

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

All five Dragonteers instantly covered their ears in pain.

"What the hell _was_ that?" yelled Thatz.

"My ears are still ringing, I can't hear you!" Rune winced.

"CAULIFLOWER!"

"Omigawd…!" cried the shocked Dragonteer of Wind. "I think it was...that vegetable thing…!"

They all slowly turned to look at the freaky veggie by Cesia's feet. (she had dropped it when she heard the scream)

"Hiiiiiiiiii! Hiiiiiiiiiii!" it continued to wail.

"Well that's creepy," the brunette said.

"You bet your pants it is!" laughed a disembodied voice.

Suddenly a whirlwind of ash overtook the Dragonteers. The mysterious laughter continued on from within.

"Now what?" yelled Cesia.

"Please don't let it be cauliflower, Please don't let it be cauliflower, Please don't let it be cauliflower," prayed Bierrez.

"You're pretty big to be aphids," Garfakcy sneered after he appeared from his little ashnado.

"Yeah, and you're pretty short to be a Sunpatch Kid," Thatz retorted. "What are you doing here?"

"Do you really want to know?" chuckled the ash child. "Well, you're just in time to witness my master's ingenious plot to kill off all you stupid humans."

"Go home and see a shrink, kid," the Dragonteer of Earth said. "We're here to stop a cauliflower conspiracy, not play Demons & Dragons."

Beirrez mumbled a barely audible "Cauliflower…!"

"Oh really?" Garfakcy snarled. "Well here's a game I think you like…"

Ash circled around his arms and covered the field as it started to shake.

"It's called **Night of the Living Vegetables**!"

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

The farmland erupted into screams. From beneath its John Deere plowed depths, hundreds of vegetable soldiers infused with demonic powers stirred and emerged. Their first thought: Fooooooood.

"I think they're hungry!" bellowed Garfakcy as he floated safely in the air on an ash cloud.

"Hey, they kinda sound like you, Thatz!" the wind mistress giggled.

"Now is not the time, Cesia!" he yelled back.

The Demonic Veggie Army of Darkness was swarming around the Dragonteers to prevent their escape. Standing deep in a bean patch in the middle of the night, their options were becoming very limited.

A fast-footed turnip mandrake rushed Gil with its leaf-sword extended. The long-haired Dragonteer barely had enough time to bat it away, when its accomplice landed a blow to his leg.

BOINK!

"………." Garfakcy and the Dragonteers sweatdropped.

"Did he just…"

BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!

Several other vegetable soldiers had started attacking the others with their own leaf swords.

BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!

"Um, are they supposed to make that sound?" Rune asked Garfakcy.

"I don't know if I should laugh at you or pity you!" Cesia added.

"Cram it! They're just getting warmed up!" shouted an embarrassed Garfakcy.

BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!

"Yup, any time now…"

BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!

"……"

BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!

"Hurry up and kill them, you stupid vegetables!"

Bierrez nearly knocked him out of his little ash cloud with his sudden scream of mortal fear. Climbing up Rezzy's red shorts was, you guessed it, a cauliflower mandrake.

BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!

"Don't let it kill me! Don't let it kill me! Don't let it kill meeeeeeee!" he cried, rolling around on the ground in vain.

Surprised at his comrade's outburst, Thatz dropped his guard for a second, allowing another veggie soldier to bite his arm. The Dragon Knight of Earth grimaced, and swatted him off.

"Alright! You bastards asked for it! _Earth_!"

He pointed his ring at the ground beneath the Demonic Veggie Army of Darkness and let the second earthquake of the night rip. Unfortunately, this only caused more of the little monsters to sprout out of the ground and attack.

"Well that worked crappy!" the brunette said with mock cheerfulness.

"I'll take care of this! Wind!" Cesia said gleefully.

A miniature tornado instantly formed on her command and started to sweep up the little beasties with its powerful winds.

"Waaaaaaaah!" cried Garfakcy, caught up in the air currents. "Who are you people?"

"We're the protectors of the planet!" Cesia said with pride.

"We are the _Dragonteers_!" finished up Thatz. "And no, you can't join us."

"Like I'd want to!" the dual-color haired boy shot back. "You guys _suck_!"

At that moment, Kharl's Vegetable Army seemed to find their bearings in Cesia's wind and used it to shoot out at the Dragonteers like missles.

BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!

Another cauliflower soldier landed near Bierrez and Pedro. Being the professional defender of justice that he was, the Dragonteer of Heart curled himself into the fetal position and started babbling "La, la, la, la, la, I can't see you, I can't see you, la, la, la, la, la, la, la…" The beast then turned on Pedro, who was busy smoking up a joint like it ain't anybody's business.

The creature lunged, but Pedro swiftly read its movements and reacted like water. Or however Spike Spiegal phrases it. The chimp snapped the cauliflowers wrist, tripped it, and used the veggie's own force against it, by flipping it to the ground. Enraged, the soldier quickly rose to its feet for a counterattack, but Pedro was ready for it. The last thing that vegetable could remember was the burning sensation of a cigarette butt being driven into its forehead before it breathed its last.

BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!

"Yeeeeeek! Get them off! Get them off!" Cesia screamed.

Several of the mandrakes had been trying to land a blow from behind, and got tangled in her hair in the process. Gil and Rune quickly pulled their own hair up into ponytails.

"Right!" called Rune. "Water!"

The Dragonteer had succeeded in forcing the monstrosities back, but he also made them much bigger by amplifying them with water.

**BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!**

"Way to go, Rune!" Thatz said sarcastically. "You _super-sized_ the damned things!"

"Well you didn't do much better!" the blonde shouted back.

"But at least I didn't--"

"_Fire!_"

The two bickering Dragonteers turned to watch Gil roast most of their attackers with his ring. The few veggies that did survive the attack were charred and crispy.

"Whoa!" the ex-thief said in awe. "Go Gil!"

"Yes," sneered Garfakcy. "Well done taking down most of the mandrakes, but what will you do now that the survivors have resistance to your little flames?"

Each of Kharl's charbroiled minions started to glow and then rapidly divide, creating a new flame-resistant vegetable soldier. Their numbers had gone up dramatically again.

**BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!**

"Hahahahaha!" cackled Garfakcy. "Lord Kharl gave each of his little pets the ability to split up and create a clone of itself faster than you can say mitosis! It's called _natural selection_, bitches!"

"Man, this kid really doesn't get out much…" Thatz said sweatdropping. "Let our Powers combine! Earth!"

"Fire!" shouted Gil.

"Wind!" Cesia called out.

"Water!" exclaimed Rune.

"H-Heart!" Bierrez yelled, eager to get rid of all of the evil cauliflowers.

"Go Dusis!"

Each beam of light from the Dragonteers rose heavenward, and combined into one giant sphere of light. Garfakcy had to turn away and shield his eyes from the brightness. Once again, the voice that struck fear into the hearts of demons rang out.

"By your Powers combined, I am Captain Dusis!"

Rath, Champion of Justice and Demon Stomping, appeared against the brilliant backdrop of the full moon at its highest point……in his spandex-y Hero Leotard.

"What'd you five get into _this_ time?" he said impatiently. "All this spandex is riding up like a-"

"Captain Dusis! That kid over there is serving an evil alchemist bent on taking over the world with an army of vegetable mutants!" Rune interrupted.

"Wait!" yelled Garfakcy. "I never told you dorks that Lord Kharl was an alchemist!"

"Er…"

Thatz bonked his comrade on the side of the head.

"I _told_ you not to read anything written by Neko! It's bad for your health!"

"Or mental state…" muttered Rath. "Anyway! You guys called me to fight off a bunch of _vegetables_? What's _wrong_ with you people?"

"So sorry!" the Dragonteer of Earth shouted sarcastically. "We didn't exactly feel like getting _eaten_ by them!"

"Well where's the fun in squashing a bunch of stupid vegetables?" Captain Dusis yelled back.

"Some hero you are!" Cesia growled. "All you think about is fighting demons!"

"Technically they're Half Veggie, Half Demon," Garfakcy put in.

"Half…_Demon_?" the valiant superhero repeated, his eyes lighting up.

"Yeah, Lord Kharl put a few Demon Seeds in each…why are you looking at them like that?"

"TASTE THE FIST OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, DEMONS!"

BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!

**BOOOOOOOOOM! **

Nearly a quarter of the Demonic Vegetable Army was blasted to smithereens by Captain Dusis' "Fist of Righteousness." Whatever that was.

"Ah ha ha ha ha! I feel _great_!" Rath laughed maniacally. "Nothing beats demon hunting under a full moon!"

"Wh-who are you?" the alchemist's assistant said in fear. People flying through the air in bright red Speedos with the inhuman ability to snap a yokai's neck like a Pez dispenser seemed wrong somehow in Garfakcy's mind.

Amongst the fearful BOINK'ing of the leaf swords hitting each other as the mandrakes tried to escape from Captain Dusis, the man slowly turned to face Garfakcy.

"Here we go…" Cesia said cynically once she saw the glint in Rath's eyes.

"I am the people's hopes, their dreams, the one that they turn to when they have no one else to turn to!" boomed the spandex-clad superhero. "I am Fate, unified into one being that can be called upon in times of need!"

"I'm meant your name, freak."

"To my followers, I am the Joy, the Sorrow, the Fury!" Rath continued on. "But to Demons…I bring the Fear, the Pain, and the End!"

"That has got to be the most random Metal Gear Solid reference I've ever heard," remarked the ex-thief.

"So he's a _Cobra_?" asked Rune, puzzled.

"I am Captain Dusis! Sworn enemy to Demons, villains, and string cheese everywhere!" Rath finally concluded.

"Right, Captain Dusis, gotcha," said the ash boy in a bored tone.

Bored did not sit well with Rath. Unless he was the bored one, which he usually was--he spent most of his time divided into five rings for christsakes. But a bored _enemy_? In his presence? He'd have to fix that.

"Exploding Tornado Fist Of Justice!" called out Captain Dusis.

A rush of wind encircled the spandex savior's arm. Once it was fast enough to become a cyclone, he rose higher into the air. Pausing for a brief moment to smirk at Garfakcy, Captain Dusis flew down like a rocket and brought the "Justice" to the mandrakes. The second his fist hit its first target, Rath made the whirlwind explode into several powerful air currents to attack the remaining army.

They would never BOINK again.

Chunks of rock and earth the size of cars flew by hitting everything in their path; the Demonic Veggie Army of Darkness was finished. Garfakcy nearly was as well. In the chaos, the tri-color haired boy managed to escape the fate of his henchmen by creating a portal with some of the remaining ash in his bag. This portal took him directly to Kharl's castle in Arinas.

Once the dust settled, Captain Dusis stood victorious.

"Yeah! How d'ya like _them_ apples!" roared the Champion of Justice.

He then noticed his Dragonteers.

Crumpled together in a massive heap under a giant chunk of earth with several stars floating above their heads.

"Ooh, shit. I'm gonna get blamed for this…"

--------------------------------------------------------------

Location: Kharl's Evil Laboratory of DOOM

"Lord Kharl! Lord Kharl, you will not _believe_ what happened!" exclaimed the short assistant as he burst into the lab. "There were these lame teen protagonists that summoned this grade A superfreak of a hero that wore spandex and talked funny!"

He blinked. Kharl was no where in sight.

"Lord Kharl?"

"Down here," rasped a weak voice.

"LORD KHARL!" shrieked Garfakcy.

The alchemist must have been playing around with potions in his assistant's absence, because he was now an albino fish lying in a small puddle on the floor. Garfakcy quickly put him in a handy soup dish of water.

"Ah, thank you, Garfakcy," smiled Kharl in some eerie fishy way. "I thought I had the potion just right, but I must have added too much Oregano."

"Oh, Lord Kharl," sighed the boy in relief. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Well, I'd appreciate it if you would find a larger bowl for me. It's kinda cramped in here."

----------------------------**Scientific Progress Goes 'Boink' END**

**:A/N: **

Neko: Yes! One more chapter finished!

Rath: I still had a small part.

Neko: Um, yeah, but I gave you a lot of lines!

Rath: ……

Neko: I'm know, I know! I'll see what I can do next time, 'kay? Big Boss? _(falls over laughing)_

Rath: You and your stupid video game references.

**Thanks for reading!**

**Next Time: _After That Strawberry!_**

--------**Translation Corner**-------

Neko: Here's the English translation of the foreign words I used. Let me know if anything's off.

**Selkies** (Brit.) "Seal Women" Think _Ayashi no Ceres_' Tennyo legend with mermaid critters. **Onii-chan** (Jap.) "Big Brother"

**Bishounen (Bishi)** (Jap.) "Pretty-boy", a good-looking guy, Half the cast of _Dragon Knights_

**Yokai** (Jap.) "Demon"


End file.
